Shelley Doesn’t Feel Wanted Since Having Her Baby

14 November 2011

Shelly asks :

I've been with my partner for 9 years, we split up for a few months because I felt we weren't getting anywhere, got back together and had a baby and got a house. It seems that it's all okay but we don't have sex any more.
I worked hard to lose weight and yet he prefers to spend time on his computer or with his best mate. I feel so low and frustrated.
I've tried to arrange meals out or quality time together while our parents help with our child but nothing seems to change. I can't help thinking that he just doesn't fancy me any more. I'd love to get married and know that isn't what he wants. Should I move on?

Yin replies

There are new mums everywhere having conversations that start from this point - feeling low, frustrated, unattractive. You have a good starting point though, you actually want sex.
Many new mums lose their libido completely or are just too tired. You’re obviously frustrated on another level though, which is that you want to get married and he doesn’t. It’s not worth trying to persuade him because for a marriage to really work, it makes life a lot easier if you both enter in to it with the same motivation.
You’re either going to have to accept that you can’t change him and make the best of it, or challenge him and make him realise that you’re not prepared to put up with this lifestyle.
A good way to tempt him in back into the bedroom will surely be to just take every opportunity you get to tease him, just in passing, at times when he can’t do anything about it. Make it normal again for you to touch each other affectionately, rather than making it an issue.
Tell him the things you like that he does or used to do, rather than tell him what’s missing or what he doesn’t do.
Always go for the positive. If that fails, and you’re still unhappy, warn him you’ll move on - but give him a chance to change, even if you have a period of living apart. Don’t leave it until you’re completely fed up with him and are past caring.

Yang replies

You split up nine years ago for a reason - and maybe those reasons are re-surfacing even though you’ve had a baby.
A baby doesn’t make problems go away, I’m sure you’ve heard that said plenty of times. It sounds as if you’re trying really hard to make it work but if you’re hitting a brick wall every time, you’re obviously going to need to either talk to him or try shock tactics.