Shelly wants some sexy secrets for her wedding night

26 August 2011

Isabelle asks :

Hi, I'm 22 and currently in university along with my 24 year old sister. I know that I'm just as pretty as she is granted im slightly larger in build. I'm so unhappy/frustrated/livid because she almost always gets all the male attention and I'm brushed off to the side feeling like chopped liver. Its also girls who do this to us particularly my cousins, whom I am stuck with for a while yet. I do try to make my own friends, but its so difficult and the frustration/failure gets me down. I know I'm a good person, smart and funny and quite attractive and very classy. Granted i do get male attention but not from anyone that I'm attracted to; they all go for her. I have talked about my feelings with her in the past and recently my mum, but my sister doesnt seem flustered. At best this has made her unsufferably egotistical. I'm not shallow, i don't only go for Adonis, but I do have standards. I've been told by a therapist i visited to live apart from her, easier said than done as I fear I'll be totally alone with no boyfriend and only 1 friend. Im tired of being lonely, and its not as if I want a full-time lovey-dovey boyfriend, just someone to make me feel wanted. I must also confess that all of these events have culminated in an intense jealousy/resentment of my sister, and an impatient hatred of men.

Yin replies

Sibling rivalry is a very difficult one because the roots go back such a long way and without all of the history, it’s hard to know what you should do. One thing though, if you’re so unhappy living WITH your sister, what is there to be afraid of by living alone? Surely your own company is better than the company of someone who’s making you feel second-rate, especially if she isn’t sympathetic. This is clearly exposing you to some very negative emotions and feelings – about your sister and about men – and most importantly, about your own worth.
The therapist possibly had good advice when they recommended moving out and not living with your sister. It sounds as if you need time and space away from her, to meet men when you’re by yourself. Imagine you’re someone who doesn’t have a sister – surely you would still go out, meet friends, meet men? Be careful not to depend on her and resent her at the same time. It’s a vicious circle.
Take responsibility for your own life, dating and future, and try to open your mind to the possibility that most importantly, before you can expect a boyfriend to ‘want’ you, you need to want to be in your own company and you need to stop craving someone to want you.
Step back from everything that’s negative and try to channel your emotions in a way that will focus on re-building your life as a single girl, independent from your sister.

Yang replies

Start by losing the image of yourself as chopped liver. It’s not going to help you or anyone else. Did you really say you have an ‘impatient hatred of men’? And yet you want a man to ‘want’ you? I think there are a few issues that need ironing out there.
And you resent your sister but you don’t want to live away from her because you’d be lonely? You are full of contradictions and need to work out what you actually want – you’re probably giving out all sorts of negative vibes to any men or friends who come near you.
If living with your sister is making you feel this low, move on and move out, whatever it takes, but don’t think for one minute that the problem will end there. You have some big questions to answer about your own attitude and you need to work out how you’re going to start feeling positive about people who are close to you. If you don’t, you risk pushing everyone away.