Sam asks :
Hi Lucy,
Is it time for me to end my relationship? I've been dating my boyfriend for just over four years now. We've had some amazing times together but for the past year I seem to have been weighing up the pros and cons of our relationship much more. I'm 24 and he's 27. What's been getting to me lately is how disrespectfully he speaks to his parents in front of me. I've told him how I hate it (it's been happening all along), he apologises but it's never long before he does it again. I keep thinking how if my family members were to hear him or see how he acts the way he does, they'd tell me to run a mile! I do love him but I'm not sure if that's the type of man I could marry or maybe I'm just creating issues where there aren't any. He is otherwise caring and generous towards me. I know you can't change a person, so should I just end things from going further if I feel unsure about a future for us now or should I communicate to him more my feelings and apprehensions about all of this? Please advise me.
Hi Sam,
Agony Aunts on Female First
This sounds tough- he doesn’t seem to be speaking to you in disrespectful way but perhaps you are anxious he might start? Or are you concerned that your sensitivity to the way he speaks to his parents could be always be something you don’t agree on and cause continuous arguments?
If you are weighing up the pros and cons of relationship then this could be a bad sign. If you have to justify to yourself the reasons to stay with him then perhaps it is time to call things a day.
It is difficult to convince someone to get into your way of thinking; it’s much easier to change yourself. So if he has always spoken to his parents in this manner- chances are you are going to need to change your reaction to it sooner than he will change his behaviour.
If this is a longstanding exchange then perhaps they are used to it by now, they may not like it but have come to accept it. Much like you might need to.
It could be that you are looking for things to justify leaving him- for the situation with his parents isn’t aimed at you or your relationship, it’s more of an outside factor.
If you worry that he will start to treat you this way then perhaps talk to him and discuss your future. You could make it clear that you won’t stand for that kind of attitude in your relationship. If he knows this going into it and that it is a condition you have placed down then perhaps he will take it more seriously.
As long as your don’t adopt his way of speaking to is parents and apply it to yours- all you can really do is focus on your behaviours rather than trying to alter his. If that means leaving or trying to be less sensitive to his manner around his family, then that is a decision perhaps you need to look at more closely.
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