Anna asks :
Hi Lucy,
I have an issue that I cannot talk to anybody about. After two years with the love of my life, we decided to call it a day about 4 months ago. The decision was mutual and based on being unhappy and continuous arguments. Since the break-up there were times we both pined for one another and in my gut I had a feeling she had already moved on when I would reach out to her and get nothing back. So in the last few weeks we have been meeting up and getting tremendously, we have had discussions about getting back together in the future etc. However I needed that confirmation that there was nobody else on the scene since we broke up, so I looked through her phone and found some horrible things. Firstly, I saw that she contacted a man she slept with years ago, he is in a relationship now but they were very flirty and the topic of sex between them was mentioned a lot. Secondly, texts between her and a friend, these texts confirmed that she wanted to sleep with the guy she got back in contact with, it confirmed that she liked another woman that had caused problems in our relationship in our past and it also confirmed that when we were going through our worst, she slated me to the ground. There was things I can only tell you as you don't know me and I will never tell anybody else, (in the politest way) she said that certain parts of my body were fat and it smelt of urine. I was a joke between her and her friend. A friend that never liked me when we were together. My issue is, I love this girl, I would do anything for her, and we have been through thick and thin. I suffered a sexual attack, she lost two jobs, we lost a home we built together, a spiral of debt, and she suffers with horrible health issues. I know she would have said those horrible things in the heat of the moment, but I feel like I can't move on with her knowing these things and if she knows I went through her phone it will cause major complications. I’m stuck; do I tell her I've seen these things? Or brush it off my shoulder as we weren’t even together when this happened and it’s my own fault for snooping? I'm sure I probably said some things she would have hated to see. Thank you for reading my silly story, I hope you can help. Many thanks A
Hi Anna,
Agony Aunts on Female First
Four months is not a long time to be apart from someone you have been in a relationship with for two years. It is natural to crave being back together because it can feel unnatural to be alone a lot of the time, if you have been used to being part of a couple. Perhaps you just need some more time to get over the break up and her.
What I would ask before thinking about getting back together is if you are both committed to fixing the thing that made you go your separate ways the last time and caused so many arguments. Whatever it was needs work to prevent it pushing you apart again.
It might be that she was looking for some rebound sex and that is why she contacted the guy she was with a few years back. If she is not still seeing him, then perhaps she has finished with him now there is chance you might get back together. Some people need to feel wanted after a break up and if they no longer feel desired by their ex-partner- it can drive people back into the arms of other exs, for some short lived gratification.
It is normal to be hurtful about an ex with friends because people like to justify why they have broken up with someone. The worse the story they tell, likely the more support they will get from friends who will reassure them that they made the right decision. Try not to read too much into this- as you have mentioned; you might have said some detrimental things too out of anger and hurt about her. As for what she was talking about- it may be personal and embarrassing for you- but it’s an easy thing for her to blame you for, she has focused on a physical issue rather than your compatibility as a couple, which might be far more complicated.
Perhaps talk to her and ask her tell you what been happening since your break up and ask her for her honesty if you are going to have a trusting relationship moving forward. You were not together when they happened, but it’s in your interest to find out if she’s over that part of her life or if it’s going to find its way into your second attempt at a relationship along the way.
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