B asks :
Hi Lucy,
I'm 22 years of age and I have been broken up from my boyfriend of 1 year for nearly 3 months and I just can't get over it. I haven't dealt with the break up well at all, I know I'm doing everything wrong but I just long for his attention, good or bad. What's more annoying is that the relationship itself wasn't healthy either, he cheated on me several times and I took him back after all of them. I loved him so much that I probably ended up pushing him away. He kept telling me to 'move on' so recently I became friendly with another person and then received a message off him calling me a hypocrite. I just want everything to be on good terms because I love him still so very much. I want to be able to feel happy and not have to pretend I'm okay. I don't know what to do anymore; I'm not a strong woman at all. All my friends tell me what I should be doing and I just physically and mentally can't pull myself away. I want him so much.
Hi B,
Agony Aunts on Female First
Break ups are incredibly hard- you are suffering a form of grief, because you have lost someone you were very close to.
It sounds like you are making positive steps to getting over him- you have acknowledged that the relationship was not a healthy one, which justifies you going your separate ways. You have recognised that he cheated on you several times, which is destructive in itself. Perhaps you are placing too much blame on yourself here. Break ups are because of both parties, not just one- perhaps him being unfaithful was the cause- maybe you tried harder every time he did to get him to be closer to you when you felt he was slipping away. The point is it takes two to end a relationship, so maybe try to alleviate some of the blame you are putting on yourself.
Perhaps cleansing yourself of all contact with him might help. It sounds like you were on the brink of moving on when you started talking to someone else, and him calling you a 'hypocrite' has knocked you back in your recovery. Maybe if he didn't have the chance to contact you and vice versa, you could keep moving forward.
Perhaps try to focus on your own happiness rather than pleasing him so much, there is nothing wrong with being a little bit selfish sometimes, especially at a time when you need to look after yourself such as this.
If you don't feel strong right now then maybe let your friends and family support you for a while- if they suggest going out- go to distract yourself for a while. Maybe try a new hobby, or spend some more time doing the things you enjoy. Although it's important to accept what has happened and establish what you want and more importantly don't want from any future relationships, you still need to be able to move on from it. Distractions are a good way to help you feel normal as a single person again and focus less on 'couply' things.
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