Darryl asks :
Hello Lucy, :)
I'm 20 in love and had my first baby on Boxing Day, with my lovely fiancé. He is wonderful, loving and very supportive, and, most of the time, very sensitive to my emotions. A couple of nights ago, I got up in the night with the baby, to find him frantically turning off the TV from the adult channels and pulling a blanket over himself. We have watched porn together before, I have to be really riled up to enjoy it though. He always has a high sex drive and says he was doing it to give me a break. This is all understandable, but sex is a deeply emotional thing for me, but he just seems to need satisfaction, however cheap and nasty it may be. We both really enjoy our sex, I wish I could provide it every day, but my sex drive just isn't up to it. I know he wouldn't cheat on me, yet I feel cheated after this. It really hurt when I found him, he must have known it would hurt me or he wouldn't have turned it off. I have been pretty cut up about it since, I even made him feel really bad about it, it still doesn't feel like he understands how hurtful it was. He doesn't know it still hurts. How do I get over this?
Our Reply
Hi Darryl,
Many women feel inadequate when it comes to porn- however it is an unfair comparison. The women are portrayed in a certain way that is hard to live up to for us normal ladies. If you were used to achieving regular sex, he will be missing it. It is not your fault that your sex drive has dwindled since having your baby, given that it was only a few weeks ago, then your hormones will not have settled yet and your body not back to normal.
In a way, it is considerate of him to give you a break rather then trying to encourage you to have sex with him when your head or body really aren’t in the game. Men are very visual creatures and so porn is a great way for them to get themselves off- whereas women need more of an emotional connection. This is not his fault, simply a part of his biology.
It sounds like he was trying to hide it from you to save your feelings- but if you know that he wouldn’t cheat, surely it is better that he is seeing to his needs this way rather than with another woman?
It may be difficult for him to understand how you feel, given than we are programmed differently to each other. Men use porn from a young age to gratify themselves whereas women usually just need the help of their imaginations and fantasies.
Chances are that even before you gave birth he did this, even if you were having sex regularly. It may be that you didn’t know about it, so try not to attribute it to now, since you have had a child.
Sometimes men and women just need that alone time- try not to take it personally and channel your focus into making your sex sessions, even if they are more infrequent well worth the wait!
Lucy x
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