Paul asks :
Hi Lucy,
I started talking then seeing a woman who I used to go out with 30 years ago. She is married and I’m recently separated. We now know that we are in love with each other and she realises that she has not been happy for quite a while at home with her husband. She has told her husband that she is not happy and wants to end their relationship. At the moment they still live in the same house and I live 30 miles away. Her husband does not seem to understand what is wrong with their relationship and has done nothing to try and save it, just buries his head in the sand hoping it will get better. I asked her to move in with me but she is reluctant to move away from her city to where I live (she was from here originally). She is trying to do this split without him knowing that she is having an affair. Do you think she has the same commitment towards me that I do for her? Also do you think she should tell him about us? Many thanks, Paul.
Our Reply
Hi Paul,
This sounds very unsettling for you, when you seem to have such strong feelings for this woman.
The distance is probably not helping you. You appear to want to be more involved in her life, as any partner would, but the physical and psychological distance may be making you feel this way. She can’t commit totally to you until she has left and of course you live 30 miles away from her, both of which might make you feel a bit disconnected.
You are recently separated, so it might make you eager to move on quicker as you are free of the situation she is now in. It will likely take time to move away both physically and emotionally from her husband and break away from the life she is used to. I would suggest being patient with her. If she chooses not to tell him then you should probably stay away not only to protect her but also yourself. If he somehow finds out that she has been having an affair there will be a lot of anger from his side of things, so it’s likely best to avoid any face to face conflict with him. If she does tell him the truth it might have the same outcome. Being there and a support for her as much as you can is probably the best thing you can do right now, but it's likely safer on her terms.
I can’t tell you whether she reciprocates your affections 100%, only time will tell on this one. You have told her how you feel and made the suggestion of her moving in with you. It may be wise to give her some space to think about what she is leaving behind and adjusting to a new life before she makes that decision. There is a lot going on in her world and you might need to be respectful of that. If you two work out when it will be well worth waiting for.
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