Jules asks :
Hi Lucy,
Am I being unreasonable? I have been with my partner for 5 months; we met and moved in together within two weeks! We are both positive people and live life to the full and are very compatible and a great relationship in all other aspects. However a couple of things bother me, he always goes on about past conquests and the fact he has always been able pull women quite easily. He split with his ex over a year ago and I know it messed his head up big time but he worked through it and was ok. Then we met, I have been separated for four years and was not looking for a relationship! We have a good relationship apart from these 'niggles' I'm affectionate, he's not but shows his love in other ways. He usually mentions his ex at least once or twice a week, then the other day I found he still had her number on his mobile, according to him he has no contact with her but she was texting him and often changes her number but keeps the same sim? So he said that's why he kept it so he knew it was her and could ignore it? When I told him it made me uncomfortable, he swore he told me why he had it on there and that he's shocked that I don't trust him. I honestly don't remember him telling me but to be fair he deleted it there and then. However due to the fact he goes on about her and says she was a stunner etc. it's making me feel undermined, although he's told me I am the one he wants to spend his life with and that I make him happy. So why do I feel I can't trust him and am just waiting for him to get back with her? He has stated she was manipulative and she will bide her time to get him back..... He doesn't want her so he says. Please help I love this guy and don't want to ruin it but it's making me question our relationship! He's a complex man with many issues which I have accepted but this is driving me nuts! If he loves me why go on about her and other women, I'm not the jealous type so is this him trying to get a reaction out of me?
Our Reply
Hi Jules,
Ideally he shouldn’t be talking about his ex if you are not comfortable with it. He has mentioned that she is attractive, but he also said that they are not compatible. That is more important than appearances. He has told you that you are the one he wants to be with so surely that is better than thinking the only thing you have holding you together are your looks?
Perhaps if you are not the jealous type he is looking for some sort of reaction from you to reassure him that you love him and want the same things. Perhaps all the focus on his ex has made you forget to tell him how you feel and he is worried your feelings might have changed.
You have not been together all that long, so there are bound to be some teething problems- all couples have them and they will continue to crop up throughout your time together so try not to worry about them too much.
He has deleted her number now, so hopefully there will be no more contact. If he has a history of pulling women, this can be hard to adjust to when you are in a relationship again, so he probably needs time to realise that it was his old life and you are his new one.
You haven’t mentioned whether you have told him how it makes you feel- perhaps ask him how he would react if he found out your ex was texting you- then he might gain some greater perspective on the situation.
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