Rebecca asks :
Hi Lucy,
My partner and I have a fantastic relationship, very open honest and good communication. We are both quite adventurous individually and together even more so. A month ago we went to a party where we both willingly engaged in sexual acts with two males that were there that night. We enjoyed ourselves, however, after the novelty had worn off my partner has been struggling to deal with what happened, this was my first experience in group sex for me personally but he had prior experience. He gets flashbacks and the reality of watching his partner with other men has made him insecure. After talking to him he admitted that he felt because the other males were younger (21) and had more stamina, it made him feel less of a man; he also struggled to watch one of the males perform with me in a way he felt we had not experienced together. He wants to have a break from sex while he gets his head together which I respect. I have reassured him many times but I feel like it’s not helping him with his insecurity. We are still very close and there are no bad feelings between us. How can I get our sex life back on track? I just want him to realize that he’s a fantastic lover and what we have is great and in no way should he feel insecure. What should I do to ease his pain?
Hi Rebecca,
Agony Aunts on Female First
I would suggest giving him the time he has asked for- if you try before he is ready then it might just hinder his progress.
Perhaps suggest some relationship counselling to him if he feels he can't get over this which will give him the opportunity to talk about all of the feelings that are still occupying his mind. It sounds like it's still quite raw, so maybe give him a little time before suggesting this as he may reach a point where he is able to come to terms with it on his own.
If this was consensual, then perhaps he is having trouble not being able to place the blame elsewhere and it is making him look inwardly. Normally when a partner sleeps with someone else, they can blame them or the person whom they cheated with- here he can't do that because you both agreed to it first.
Men hold a lot of their self-esteem in their sexual prowess, so perhaps this has been damaged when someone younger has taken the place of him in the bedroom. It seems he is jealous that someone else has experienced something you have never as a couple before too. There are a lot of emotions tied up in the one night and maybe he needs to be able to unravel them and deal with each one first.
Perhaps all you can do right now is keep telling him how much you care for him and reassure him that he is a 'fantastic lover' and all you need both inside and outside of the bedroom. Once he realises you are not going anywhere- he may be intimate with you again.
It is understandable that he might have got swept up with the idea and the reality was not what you both wanted to get from the experience. Maybe this has made you both realise that you are better suited to a relationship that doesn't involve anyone else sexually. In time you might both be able to see it as a lesson learned and move on.
tagged in relationships Partner
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