M asks :
Hi Lucy,
I'm twenty-five years old and have never been in a relationship. Not even a casual-dating one. For the past year I have been rather good friends with a guy for whom I have developed very strong feelings. Unfortunately, he has a girlfriend. But, at the same time, he spends a lot of time with me (and even has spent the night sleeping on my sofa multiple times), calls me in the wee hours of the morning, talks to me online all the time, hugs me a lot, and any number of other things. Our mutual friends keep assuming that we're dating. Which I'd like to be, except for the part where he has a girlfriend. And I'd feel like a horrible person if he dumped her for me. Not to mention the fact that I don't know if I'd be able to trust him as a boyfriend, given the amount of time he spends with me while he's dating someone else. And yet, I think I might be in love with him. I'm just really confused.
Hi M,
Agony Aunts on Female First
If you have never had a boyfriend before then you might be more attached to this guy than if you had been with other men first. It sounds like he is the only guy in your life that you are close to, so it may be that its comfortable and familiar to want to be with him, so you don’t have to look elsewhere.
You have said that you don’t want to break things up between them, so it might be wise not to tell him how you feel. If he does break up with her then that could be the time to make your move. It seems like you have a very close friendship, however all of the things he has mentioned are things that one would associate with two friends rather than a romantic relationship.
Have you talked to him, even jokingly about how your friends see you? Perhaps throw this into the conversation and how he reacts. This could be an opportunity for them to tell you why he seems to be closer to you than his girlfriend.
At the moment he seems to have it all- a girlfriend and someone who he can be close with and tell things too. He has all of his bases covered. If you feel you don’t and he is stopping you from moving on then perhaps it’s time to start and look beyond him and think about using the confidence you have built up with him and applying it to other men. If he gets jealous then his could be a sign that there is something more at play here. If he is ok with you seeing people while he is then his could tell you that he values your friendship but doesn’t want anything more.
tagged in Friends Love dating yin and yang agony aunt
Need Help?
If you need help or advice, you can ask Yin & Yang. It's quick, easy, free and you don't have to leave your real name.