Abby asks :
Hi Lucy,
Me and this guy have been seeing each other for just over 2 months now, we started speaking after meeting through mutual friends in January and have been in constant contact ever since, we started by a few dates, then he met my parents (I haven't met his), he stays round a lot and we see each other 2-3 times each week (without failure). However he keeps saying his head is a 'mess' and that he doesn't want a relationship, he has also said he doesn't want to sleep with anyone else and doesn't want me to do the same? We're basically in a relationship - if we were to label ourselves there is nothing we would be doing differently, however I want him to commit to me properly. I know he is not going to "cheat" and sleep with other girls or even date other girls but I want him to commit. I really like him and don't want to lose him as I have grown fond of him over the past 2 months but is it worth feeling dejected and rubbish about myself. If he doesn't want a relationship now will he ever? He also keeps saying he doesn't want a relationship because his ex "did him over" but also said he isn't comparing me to her, is this just an excuse?
Our Reply
Hi Abby,
If what you want is commitment and exclusivity then perhaps you should tell him. That said, if you are sure that he won’t cheat on you with other women then you have all the good elements of a relationship without the official label. Is the comfort of fidelity not the most important thing to you if he won’t broadcast your relationship?
It sounds like he has some trust issues after his break up with his ex that might be making him hesitant to commit. Why not suggest that you are exclusive but take things the same pace you have been until he feels more comfortable letting you in a bit more- to meet his parents etc. He might promise to you that he will want relationship eventually but how do you know that is true? You might find yourself always wondering when it’s going to happen and resenting him for not making the next move.
You don’t necessarily need to post it on Facebook and tell everyone in your circle of friends and family, but recognition of between the both of you seems like the only reassurance you need. You could suggest this to him so he doesn't feel too much pressure too quickly. If he is still wary of women after his break up then the most you can do is make him feels secure, wanted and loved so he can trust you not to do the same as the partner before you.
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