Mark asks :
Been married to my wife for 20 years, she is slim very attractive and has a great body, we have a great sex life and both enjoy oral. At work Mandy is very popular with both male and female work mates. She went to her works Xmas party in 2012 got very drunk and flirted with a male work friend danced and got quite close, he offered to drop her home after the party , they stopped on the way home and in her words they got a bit touchy but she was too drunk to sleep with him. She told me a couple of days later but said she regretted it but said intercourse did not take place. And we moved on then in February she started to tell me about a guy called tony at work who she was friendly with was having marriage problems she said he had no real friends and found it very easy to talk to her. She asked if I minded her having a male friend I didn't see this as a problem and she continued to talk with him. Later that month she was due to go out with her work friends and tony was one of them he offered to pick her up and drop her home after I trust my wife and said it would be fine, that night he picked her up and out they went , Mandy got home about 2am drunk I asked her how her night went she said she had a good time but tony was boring just talking about his problems she told me that he suggested they stop somewhere quite on the way home but she turned him down. Then in May my wife said she had another night out with different friends from work but not tony, I decided to check her location on her mobile and it showed her out of town I checked her location on google earth and it was a pub next to a premier inn about 25 miles from our home. When she got home I decided not to say anything then a few days later I told her what a new, at first she said she was with her friends then after a few hours she said she needed to talk to me about it, she said she had gone out with tony but only to the pub she said she feels sorry for him and it's just friends she said that they just sat in the pub not the hotel. Then in October just gone she Said she was going out with friends again, on the days leading up to her night out she seemed very nervous and I suspected something was not right she had a shower and I noticed she had trimmed her pubic hair and tanned she put on some very sexy underwear which I Han not seen before she asked me to do her bra up so I did it up so only one clasp was done up. She got a lift in town from our daughter and came home about 2 am she text me at about 8.30 saying she loved me then turned her phone off she had turned her location settings off on her phone after I told her how I tracked her last time, I had been checking her text message and she had arranged to meet a friend who she had down as a women's name, I text that number at about1.30 telling her friend to ask my wife to text me as I could not get in contact with her I got a text back saying she was home and she left Mandy in town then I got a text from Mandy saying she was on the way home, when she got home she took her dress off and ask me to undo her bra it was now attached differently I then told her what I had done she then confessed that she went with tony to the hotel and said it was the one I thought she went to last time she said she is just good friends and they only go to a hotel so no one sees them when I said about her bra again she said that she got undressed to her knickers and they got in the bed for sex but she claims nothing happened as she could not do it with him as she felt bad about cheating on me and they both got dressed and sat there talking . She has told me I got it all wrong they are just friends that got carried away but realised it’s about company not sex and she still wants to go out with him once a month. Do you think there is more to this?? Should I trust her not to have sex?
Our Reply
Hi Mark, thanks for getting in touch.
Whether your wife has been unfaithful or not, leading a man to think he has a chance with her is practically there. There is cheating physically and emotionally and it sounds as though she might have had some sort of emotional affair with this man.
She has lied to on several occasions; these are not isolated incidents, to the point where you are now asking her whereabouts, which shows that you perhaps don’t trust her not to sleep with him. As she has only told you the truth once you have confronted her about it, so she could be lying about sleeping with him too.
If you have a good sex life together then you are not driving her away through bad sex and lack of intimacy. If she is telling the truth then she might lack the emotional intimacy she craves from you and is trying to find it elsewhere. People, who are unfaithful look to someone else to fill the gaps of their current relationship, so maybe arrange to see a counsellor and discuss together how you can move on from this. Or talk to her and ask her directly is there anything I can do to stop you from repeating this? Focus on the route of the problem rather than her actions.
She has risked your marriage several times over by seeing this man, even in a ‘platonic’ sense. Your reaction of letting her off the hook after she has explained her actions means that there is no real consequence for her behaviour.
She sounds like someone who craves both female and male attention. Perhaps this is what is lacking in your set up? Attention can make her feel more attractive to the opposite sex and give her a boost of confidence at a time when perhaps it is dwindling.
If you are struggling to trust her, then a course of couple’s counselling may be the way forward, if you don’t want to throw away 20 years of marriage. You can’t tell her what to do but it seems the common link in this is Tony, so maybe suggest that he is not good for your marriage and ask her not to see him again as it only causes friction between you two when she does.
Good luck,
Lucy x
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