Francesca asks :
Hi Lucy,
I need some advice regarding my boyfriend and his libido.... or lack of it! For the past 6 months my boyfriend’s libido has decreased to the point where I have told him now to come to me if I gets the urge as I feel have tried everything in my power possible to turn him on or to get to the cause of the problem. We have talked this through a month or so ago and he says he simply just has never been bothered about sex, and he hardly ever gets the urge. He knows how much this upsets me as most women take it personally, since I sometimes travel away with work I can’t understand why he doesn't have the same thoughts as me when I return home. In our first argument regarding the situation (after I had tried it on with him and he made up some excuse again) he told me I put him under too much pressure, and he even asked me why I think sex is so much of a big deal making me sound like some sort of sex obsessed freak (which I am not) I simply explained its human nature. I read an article with a similar problem in a magazine who said the problem could be psychological due to depression/stress etc. and to seek advice from a GP. It’s been three months since we had sex now and I feel as though things are never going to improve unless he seeks help. How can I suggest this to him without him flying off the handle? How can I make him see that this is making me so unhappy as I love him but can’t deal with a sexless relationship? Thank you
Hi Francesca,
Agony Aunts on Female First
This sounds very frustrating for you at present. It seems that you have tried a lot of things to get your sex life back on track- so perhaps it is time to recommend that he see someone if you feel you have exhausted every other option.
If he says that you are putting too much pressure on him then perhaps listen to how you are speaking to him when you broach the subject. If you do it angrily and accuse him of not being a good lover then the natural instinct is to shut down because it’s negative. Perhaps focus on the things you enjoyed about your sex life prior to this lull and try to help him remember what you had when it was at its best. If you ask him questions and find out where he is at emotionally then you might find it’s something that you can tackle without outside help, if not then that could be your moment to suggest he see a professional. A lack of sexual drive can be down to lots of things- stress, health, physiology or past events, so if you can narrow it down then it could be something you can work together towards improving.
Perhaps don’t wait until you get home from working away- could you try phone sex? Or was the sex predictable before his libido dipped? Could you introduce something new in to the relationship that would capture his interest again? A sex toy or some sexy lingerie to get him in the mood?
If you have tried all of these options and nothing has changed then relationship counselling is another avenue you could explore too.
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