Emily asks :
Hi Lucy,
I've been with my boyfriend for over 18 months now, I love him very much but just feel like things aren't right anymore. I'm 20 years old and feel like I want someone a bit more mature, he's quite irresponsible like he's just come back from holiday with horrible sun burn because he didn't wear sun cream, I almost believe he did it to go against me as he always seems to contradict what I say about things. He is very lovely to me but also says quite mean and racist things about other people which I really don't approve of. Our sex life isn't the best either, at first it was good because it was new and exciting but now the initial excitement has worn off he can't seem to get me going; I've tried helping him by telling him and showing him what I like but he just can't seem to understand and do it, even when I do get excited enough he only lasts less than a minute. I do love him very much but I just don't know if there's more out there for me, someone who doesn't just flash his cash to be appreciative of me or someone I can have a good sex life with. I know I'm not perfect either but I just don't know what to do anymore.
Our Reply
Hi Emily,
After 18 months the honeymoon period is bound to wear off so you will start to see cracks emerging where before you thought there were none. These things you mention- really it’s down to whether or not you can live with them long term. His irresponsibility- could this extend to other more serious areas of his life like money management and organization of documents or future moves etc.- it’s thinking far ahead but if you feel that he won’t approach these things maturely then perhaps you are mismatched in your emotional age.
It sounds like the comments although they are not about you or to you are affecting how you see him. Do you think they are comments you can let go or do they stick with you?
In terms of your sex life- it seems like he is thinking more of himself than of you. Even after you have tried to get him to pay more attention.
The question that you perhaps need to be asking yourself is can you put up with these faults or do you think that if they happened more readily and concentrated on more important issues that you could handle them? If you have spoken to him about your sex life and tried to get him to consider you more and he hasn’t then that coupled with the other things are all likely indicative of what your life will be long term with him. ‘People don’t change you can only change yourself’ is something that I feel is a very important motto to carry around with you. It’s you reaction to things that you can effect not a person’s habits or personality. Can you change your reaction to these niggles and find a way to cope with them or not? If not then perhaps it’s time to find someone who falls more in line with your needs.
If you want to stay with him then perseverance might be the answer here- the longer he is influenced by your behaviour and the older he gets the more mature he might naturally become.
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