Rachael asks :
Dear Lucy,
I'm a 20 year old girl and my relationship with my supposed best friend of 8 years is torturing me. She is partial to putting me down, making me feel small and is controlling, bully-like. It feels identical to an abusive relationship as she constantly questions my motives for doing anything and hounds me if I go anywhere with any other person but her. It's particularly difficult as she detests my fiance because he emigrated from the Ukraine, and believes that 'he's a good for nothing foreigner'. It’s gone so far that she told her family that he treats me badly and is mentally abusive, although he is not. He had tried his best for several years to get along for my sake and see past the damage she caused, but he has finally given up. Sometimes I feel as if it's a 'me or him' situation, and I feel suffocated. I find it extremely hard to make friends as I'm shy, so I don't really have any other friends, so I'm scared to let go. What should I do?
Hi Rachael,
Agony Aunts on Female First
It sounds like you are being pulled in two very different directions right now.
One very good piece of advice I carry with me is that real friends are like 'radiators'; they make you feel warm and fuzzy inside and they protect you against the harshness of the outside. Those who are not your friends are like 'drains'- they sap you of all your energy and self-esteem to the point where you feel you have nothing left. It seems like you feel some of the latter with this girl.
Try to remember that a lot of the time negativity comes from how people feel about themselves rather than what they actually think of you or your life and the people in it. The likelihood is that she is jealous- jealous that you have partner, jealous that you have a life that doesn't involve her and she is trying her best to get you back- perhaps to a place that when you were both much closer. When one woman gets a partner it can be very hard for her female friends to come to terms with.
The reality is that people grow up and friendships evolve, but it sounds like this girl isn't keeping up with that and reacting in a negative way to claw back the past.
You may be shy, but you have had the courage to find a boyfriend which takes much more confidence that you give yourself credit for. You could make other friends.
Perhaps tell her that her words are no longer acceptable and maybe how they are making you feel. If you love your fiancé, then reinforce that your life will remain the same and that you are not going to make changes for her sake. If you want to keep her as a friend then you could tell her she is going to have to find a way to adjust so she can remain in your life. If she is jolted by the thought of losing you she might realise just how her words have impacted on you. If she persists, then it might be the time in your life to wave goodbye to this friendship and allow yourself to enjoy your relationship with your finance. Perhaps somewhere along the way you might find another friend who will make you feel exactly the opposite to what you do in her company right now.
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