Lori asks :
Hi Lucy,
A few months ago my husband began acting furtively (hiding his phone if I came into the room unexpectedly). He denied doing this when I confronted him. On the second occasion he came up with the excuse that he was entering a competition for a new phone! I have now discovered that he has subscribed to an on-line dating site and I know he will only deny this if I tackle him again. We have been married over 40 years, not had the greatest sex life for years (both our faults) but now it would appear that he has gone out possibly to rectify this. He was never much of a conversationalist but hardly ever speaks now unless spoken to - spends most of the time he is here doing his crossword. I like to be able to talk but spend most of my days in silence now. I do pick a row with him when the silence is unbearable and as for sex well if he can't be bothered speaking to me, why bother? It would be the act without any enjoyment. He is lying to me which hurts. Before making the discovery I bought some sexy nightwear to try and spice things up but now I feel he was possibly laughing inside. What should I do?
Our Reply
Hi Lori,
Perhaps you should suggest going to see a relationship counsellor together. If you are feeling unhappy, chances are he is too and after 40 years probably wants to rekindle some of what you had before. It sounds like you are making an effort with him, by trying to spice things up and communicating with him- even if it’s through an argument. This might help you explore how to communicate better with one another and why he has signed up for a dating site. He can’t really deny it if his profile is there for public viewing. You are often set exercises to do at home to keep you on track and take you out of your routine.
It’s never too late to try and save a relationship, especially one that has had the foundation that you two have. It might be a case of setting aside a date night where you go out for a meal and talk, spending some quality time together, before heading to the bedroom.
Good sex often arises from good communication. If not and the relationship is filled with resentment and anger, the sex will become routine and meaningless. If you learn how to talk to one another again, then this should help things along in the bedroom, as the tension will have been dealt with outside.
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