Ann asks :
Hi Lucy,
My partner does nothing! We both work full time I pay most of the bills, I do all the house work and all the washing, I do most of the cooking and we also have dogs to which he doesn't walk or pick up any of the (mess) in the garden he doesn't like to talk about anything and normally just gets angry or walks away from me when I bring anything up. I love him very much and he was not like this when we first met we have been together for 6 years! And I'm always thinking it's fine he will change!? Am I fighting a losing battle?????
Hi Ann,
Agony Aunts on Female First
It sounds like somewhere along the line, there has been an imbalance of contributions both physically and financially to your household and it has got gradually worse.
I would suggest that you think about how you speak to him when you do approach this topic of conversation. If you raise your voice and start with a negative this could make him shut down and not want to talk about it further. Perhaps if you ask him to sit down with you and work through each of these points. Could you suggest both putting equal amounts into a joint account and monitoring it to make sure he keeps up with his end of the bargain? Men often like to be the rescuers- so if you ask him for his help rather than accusing him of not doing something, he might respond more positively.
Could you set up a rota system for the house duties? Women are programmed to be more house proud than men due to social conventions and so perhaps he is missing things that you consider a priority.
If you have a list of jobs that need doing and who does them, it can help keep a routine and assign some responsibility. It may sound like something you do for kids, however if you find yourself doing more than him, then it could be a solution. Many adults resort to leaving lists for their partners to get things done.
Could you each take a day where you look after the dogs? That way you each know when they are your responsibility and when you can take a back seat? Could you walk the dogs together- the exercise will benefit you both and give you chance to get out of the house and talk?
People do tend to present the best side of themselves when they first get together and true habits only really surface once you have been together for a while. It may be that if you have done these things without asking for his help at first, he might have assumed that you like to do it yourself so it’s up to your standard or that you like to have control over your surroundings.
It sounds like some better communication might help here to get you to a position where you share your joint responsibilities rather than it being one sided.
tagged in Love Partner yin and yang agony aunt
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