Sarah asks :
Hi Lucy,
I've been with my husband 5 years and have a 3 year old son. I’m 26, he's 31. We've always had a good sex life and used to have sex most days, now we have it at least every other day, which I'm happy with, I don't feel like it every day, we both work hard in our jobs; I do everything around the house and look after our son. The problem is that he's very demanding when it comes to sex. He expects it every day; he wants me to dress up most times and wants it to go on for ages! I try to keep up with him and take care of myself for him, but I just can't keep up with his demands. He gets very moody with me if he thinks I don't make enough effort and has lost his temper with me a few times, throwing things around and saying horrible things to me which have made me cry. He's very possessive and hates me going out with my friends. He doesn't help me much financially either and controls what I spend money on. I'm not the sort if girl to spend money on clothes and going out. Apart from these things, he makes me very happy and he's a fantastic dad. I just don't know what to do to change this; I've told him how I feel.
Our Reply
Hi Sarah,
There is a fear in a lot of people after having children that they will lose who they were before and the life they had with their partner. Chances are; his eagerness to make the most of your sex life is so he feels like he is not losing that part of you as a couple. The reality is that you have a lot more responsibility now and so one or both of you can get tired. When you break it down to basics, men see sex as your expression of love to them, whereas women are more emotional and happy with other signs of affection. So by not having sex with him as often, he sees this as a rejection of his love.
He needs to understand that losing his temper and getting moody is not going to make the situation any better, as you get upset and sex is probably the last thing on your mind after that. Despite our best efforts, even as adults when we are told ‘no’ we are still tempted to act as we would have when we were younger- to shout and get moody until our demands are met. Try to remember that the things he said were likely in the heat of the moment to get you to succumb to his desires and not a true reflection of how he actually feels about you.
Given that he doesn’t like you going out with your friends and likes to have power over your spending habits- it sounds like he has a controlling personality. There is usually one person who falls into this category in every couple, as one is generally more laid back than the other. However, perhaps try not to let this balance become too much against your favour, as this could damage the equilibrium in your relationship.
You could suggest that you arrange a date night or two each week, where you take some time out for yourselves and get a babysitter. It could be that he is trying to fit sex in where he can because he doesn’t know when he will have it again. If you have a night set aside each week to have some alone time then this could ease the pressure a bit. You will both be more relaxed because you know that it’s your time and you don’t have to rush. This will give you a chance to rejuvenate too so you can have more energy for long sex sessions, if that is what you want.
Lucy x
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