Am asks :
Hi Lucy,
I've been with my boyfriend nearly nine years, we're both 25 now and got together in our teens. We attended separate universities and stayed together, and we've been through a lot of ups and downs. A couple of years ago I had some issues with depression and anxiety and received counselling which he supported me through both emotionally and financially. I'm in a fairly good place now, and I've been in a job that I enjoy very much for the past few months which has really brought me out of my shell, and built my confidence. There are a couple of guys there (one I've known from the start and a new guy) that I find myself attracted to and sharing a bit of banter with. It's not that I'm unhappy with my boyfriend, but we are in a bit of a rut, and I find myself thinking about these other guys, and feeling really guilty about it. I'm really confused about what I want because on the one hand I know that my boyfriend has helped me through so much and I care about him a lot, but on the other hand we have been together since we were 16 and have only been with each other. I worry that it may be a relationship of convenience, and that I want to explore other options. The worst part is that he is now going through some difficulties with a very stressful job and he needs me to be there for him like he was for me. I don't know what I want, part of me is thinking about marriage with my very loving and caring boyfriend who I have shared so much with, but part of me wants to see what else is out there, and feel the excitement of something different.
Our Reply
Hi Am,
It is natural to look at other men and find them attractive, even have banter with them if you have partner. There is no harm in observing, the trouble can come if you act on it.
Perhaps if you have always been the one who is dependent in the relationship, then knowing that you have to take on the responsibility of looking after him for a time is scaring you. If you are not the natural caretaker and he is, this shift in roles in the relationship can be unsettling.
If you feel you are in a rut- have you worked with him to get out it? If you feel this way chances are he feels the same. Perhaps try to work on what you have rather than leaving it behind for uncertainty. It is easy to think that the grass is greener on the other side if things are not perfect in your current relationship, however you are just speculating what it would be like with someone else- you might find that it’s not what you imagine it to be.
Every couple goes through a period like this, especially those who have been with no-one else but their partner since a very young age.
If you try to make things better with your life right now and your efforts result in no change in your partnership then perhaps look going your separate ways so you can find out what life is like without each other.
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