Ian asks :
Hi Lucy,
A bit of a sore subject but me and my ex have spilt up after 5 years. We officially spilt 3 weeks ago but since then we've been seeing each other on weekends and our sex life is better than ever. He said today that he doesn't want to marry me and he'll see about us getting together (he's unsure what he wants) and I'm just really confused and down. I thought everything was going be ok. I love him so much. Last night we shared a bath together and had a bottle of champagne. What do I do? I know he has a lot of trust/confidence and he suffers with depression etc. do I try and ride it out?
Hi Ian,
Agony Aunts on Female First
Perhaps the reason the sex is so good because it feels like it did when you first got together? Maybe it feels less inhibited because it's no longer within a relationship, but just for fun? If you have been distracted by the sex and the time you have spent together, then perhaps neither of you has really addressed the break up.
He doesn't want to marry you, but is that something that you aspire to? If he is unwilling to compromise on this point, if you do get back together, you might be sacrificing something you really want.
If he has trust issues- why are they surfacing now? If you have been faithful to him for 5 years, then it perhaps you have given him no reason to perpetuate this fear. If he suffers from depression, perhaps this is linked with his trust issues- could you help him find some professional support to try and overcome these feelings of fear and low points? He may just need an extra layer of support on top of what you can offer to make him feel happier and more secure.
If he is unsure of what he wants and you are still in love with him, then you could end up worse off here if he decides he doesn't want to get back together.
Perhaps he needs to decide what he wants before you have sex again or spend more romantic time with one another, as it sounds like this isn't helping you right now. While the moments you spend together might feel great, they may be building up your hopes with the potential to make you fall even harder in the end.
If you can come to terms with having an open relationship then this could work, however it sounds like you don't want this and perhaps want to go back to things the way they were?
It might be worth telling him how this is all making you feel so you can put some new boundaries in place if you are going to remain friends.
Need Help?
If you need help or advice, you can ask Yin & Yang. It's quick, easy, free and you don't have to leave your real name.