Claire asks :
Hi Lucy,
I had an affair with someone from work and we fell in love. We were both married for 20 years and both left our partners now we have lived together for 4 years. He has 4 older children of which 2 are ok with me and the other 2 don't want anything to do with me and we have never met. He sees them every Sunday but I hate it when he goes. I feel like he should take me and break the ice but he won't and it is making us argue all the time what shall I do?
Hi Claire,
Agony Aunts on Female First
They might want nothing to do with you more so because you have never met rather than how you came into their lives. People can form opinions of others based on very little information and this can get blown out of proportion.
If you get on with his other two children, then perhaps they talk to their siblings and tell them about you. In time, they might come to a different conclusion; however it could help your case to meet them face to face so they can make up their own mind about you.
Your partner might be worried about his relationship with his children. If he introduces you before they are ready, it could affect if he sees them or not. It sounds like a delicate balance, in which he is trying to keep everyone happy. He might be protecting you if he anticipates it descending into an argument or a verbal attack on you.
If this always ends up in an argument, perhaps he has already spoken to his children about the possibility of you meeting and they aren't yet prepared to.
You feel one way, but they might feel the opposite, in which case you may have to wait a little longer for this meeting.
It might be wise to be prepared for this never happening too. Even for older children, it can be difficult to accept that their parents have separated, which can be made worse if there is a third party involved. Despite their years, adult children often revert to younger instinctive reactions to their parents breaking up. They may fail to notice that their father might be happier and focus on the fact that their family unit has been affected.
Although you may be ready to take this step, it might be worth waiting for your partner to initiate things on their behalf so you are all in a willing place.
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