Eliza asks :
Hi Lucy,
So I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year and a half, and I do love him but we argue so much and he has been really stressed out lately. When he is blunt with me I find the attention that I need from him, from a guy I used to have something with. This guy is called Chaz and we used to talk all the time, we slept together and stuff but eventually we just stopped talking. Whenever my boyfriend makes me feel bad I speak to Chaz and he always makes me happy, I probably would be in a relationship with him if he didn't live as far away as he does. Sometimes I think about being with Chaz except it would be difficult and I don't know if it's mutual. The problem I need help with is what to do next... I love my boyfriend, and we have some great memories so I don't know if I should give him time to relax and see if things go back to normal or if I should end things? I can't really imagine not having my boyfriend in my life but I do wonder if it would be better for me sometimes?
Hi Eliza,
Agony Aunts on Female First
Perhaps you need to take a second look at how you argue. If your disagreements always involve shouting and are then left unresolved, maybe this needs more work. You could talk about the thing that's bothering you once you have both calmed down and had time to think about it with a clearer head. People say many things that they don't really mean during an argument so you need to ensure that what you tell each other is the truth and not just an attempt to cause hurt.
It sounds like Chaz fills in the gaps that your relationship is lacking, however with some extra attention, you may find that your boyfriend begins to give you the comfort that Chaz is now.
Maybe Chaz helps you to remember a time before your boyfriend- perhaps a time when you were happier and you are enjoying that nostalgia?
If your boyfriend has been like this the entire time you have been together then perhaps you are not compatible as a couple. No relationship should involve arguments all the time. Maybe him being stressed has pushed you to your capacity and that is why you have asked for some advice.
Perhaps you feel worried about being alone and that is why you are hanging onto this relationship- however if you are considering how it would feel to be free of him- then maybe you are ready to be single again.
If you believe your time with your boyfriend has run its course and Chaz lives too far away then perhaps use some time by yourself to decide what elements of each man you want from a future partner and what ones you would happily leave behind.
tagged in Relationship boyfriend
Need Help?
If you need help or advice, you can ask Yin & Yang. It's quick, easy, free and you don't have to leave your real name.