When you know, it is a dead end road…

4 April 2016

Relationships are always the most complicated areas to try and resolve in life, more so when it can feel like you are constantly trying to suss someone out or understand them all the time and end up with no conclusion at all.

Relationships on Female First

Studying relationships was always a challenge and everyone is so different when it comes to what they want out of life. People wont necessary tell you directly what they want, or if they do, we choose to ignore what they are saying, in the hope that they will change.

We dismiss something so big, when really the problem lies underneath. This problem will only escalate emotionally when times goes on, if we don't address this situation there and then.

So let's take a lovely lady called Charlotte as an example. Charlotte is twenty seven, lives at home with her parents, works for her father and has a good lifestyle alongside a great set of friends. Looking at Charlotte, she pretty much has her life in order. Charlotte will also be buying her own house in a few months time, which she saved up for herself in the hope of finally moving out and being more independent.

Charlotte loves her life, she says her friends support her in everyday life and she is very happy with where she is, all she asks for is a nice man to accompany her.

So along comes Brian, Brian is thirty five, has his own place, one child from a previous marriage and still lives in his marital home, until he gets his marriage sorted out for a divorce, then he will move out. (or so he says).

Brian meets Charlotte at work, he is in fact one of her father's contacts, whom they do business together on many occasions. On this one occasion, Charlotte decides to take over in her father's footsteps and manage new areas, this involves more travel, meeting new business contacts and Brian happens to be one of them.

When Brian meets Charlotte, you can feel the tension straight away, he is not mucking about, he is asking her about her life, her father, how long she has worked there and on it goes, until they decide to go out for lunch the following week. He wants to pursue her and wont give up until she says yes.

Now Charlotte wouldnt say he was her type, she isn't sure herself what her type is, but Brian had this charm about him that just captivates her towards him. She couldn't stop smiling around him, she felt somewhat more alive and happier.

Three weeks later, the pair are dating. On their first month together, Charlotte noticed at times, that Brian wasn't able to see her on certain days, or more like the nights she would have liked, it was pretty much on his terms. Which were a Monday night, Thursday night and sometimes a Friday, but never weekends.

The following month, it may be just a Monday night, or two weeks later it may be nothing until the following week. It was never predictable, nor were his texts, but he was intense at the start, bombarding her with texts to date him.

When asking Charlotte, "what did he mention to you at the start about his living arrangements with his wife?"

Charlotte's comment was, that they are still living in the same house together, apparently getting divorced and they have one child together. At weekends, he says he sometimes has to see his family and do family things together, to which she felt was ok.

I then asked her, did she ever go to his house at all? she said no. Charlotte, had a rough idea where he lived, but never went to his house or was introduced to any of his friends and family, one year down the line.

This was still the same, two years later.

When this scenario was played over and over in her mind, she asked me, "Have I been played?"

Pretty much yes, he has you, where he wants you. His charm lures her in, his lies you forget because he will make up for it with his charm and his words just entice you back in? then he may buy you something to make you feel better, so would you say he is pretty addictive and you like the drama perhaps?

Charlotte mentioned she didnt like the drama or thought it was drama, but it did create alot of emotional pain, worry and anxiety on an everyday basis.

I asked Charlotte, do you not feel you deserve better than being his part time lover?

Charlotte, didnt see herself as his part time lover, she was adamant he was getting divorced and his wife was not around too. I said, do you have proof of this? Her answer was no, as Brian never really mentioned his wife, nor their circumstances or if he was going to change anything. His contact, his presents and his dinner dates are all what kept Charlotte going, but what she didnt see was his lack of commitment to her, he never followed through with commitments, he never really made an effort to divorce, or move in with Charlotte, he never went away on holiday with Charlotte either. In the end Charlotte realised after four years, nothing had changed and her situation was just the same as when she first met him.

Charlotte watched her friends move on in their lives and saw how they were being treated with their partners, she wished this is what she had, but realised it was also her own fault for accepting the way this relationship was which was blocking her, so who's fault was it;

Charlotte's for not getting out sooner?…. or Brian for being selfish and controlling?…. or was it, Charlotte, for allowing him to be like this?

Charlotte is still seeing Brian five years on and her life is still the same, it feels safe to her, were her words.However is she happy?

My question when I asked her, wasn't a yes unfortunately.

So, have you been through a similar situation or are you currently seeing someone else going through this?

I want to say to you, everyone deserves a commitment, meeting someone in your life is about what they want with you, not just for themselves?

Believe you are worth more, dont let the past ex or last person pull you into thinking otherwise….