Getting a haircut is stressful at the best of times, but when you let your partner loose on your locks with a pair of blunt kitchen scissors and a picture of Victoria Beckham from Google for inspiration, it’s a whole different ball game.
You may have made vows in front of your friends and family to love them unconditionally. You might have professed your unwavering love for them in a Valentine’s card. But make no mistake, delivering a bad lockdown ‘do can feel like the ultimate betrayal in a relationship, and one that we’re considering legitimate grounds for divorce.
But alas, as the weeks drag on, hairdressers look no closer to reopening, and your hair starts to take on the shape of a wild bramble bush, it becomes increasingly clear that trusting them to do the job is the only option – save for shaving your head and starting from scratch.
From the good to the bad, here are some of the emotional stages of letting your partner cut your hair in lockdown.
After weeks of looking like you’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards on your daily conference call, you’re quite looking forward to a home makeover. Anything will be an improvement on the current bird’s nest situation that’s taken permanent residence on your head.
Your partner has been really sweet too. They’ve set up a chair in the kitchen, poured you a glass of wine to relax your nerves and even picked up your favourite magazine to give you the full salon experience. Perhaps this won’t be so bad after all…
After showing them an extensively researched Pinterest board of hair inspiration and sitting through several detailed YouTube tutorials, you’re dismayed to see that they haven’t taken any of the information in.
In fact, they’ve got a glazed look on their face, they’re idly messing around with the scissors and they just asked you to explain what ‘choppy layers’ means for the second time. Is it too late to back out now?
They’ve made a few initial snips and now they’ve gone suspiciously quiet. And if their painful, heavy-handed combing technique is anything to go by, you’re not in for a gentle ride.
You’re trying to stay optimistic, but you only asked for a few inches off, and it really feels like the scissors are edging further and further up your neck. This cannot be good…
You should really just relax and let them get on with the job. After all, it’s only hair and rationally you know it will grow back over time, but you can’t help but scrutinise every single move they make.
You wince in horror as they snip and see your the hair dropping to the floor, snatching the tools out of their hands when you think they’re about to do one layer too many. This is even worse than making flat-pack furniture together.
Your partner’s pleased as punch grin lulls you into a false sense of security ahead of the big reveal. Your wine buzz convinced you to relax into the process, but now you’re kicking yourself for not backing out at the last-minute as you finger the lopsided mullet that’s staring back at you in the mirror.
You’ve got Zoom drinks with your work colleagues tonight, there’s no way you can turn up looking like a character from Tiger King. Let’s hope there’s enough hair left to shove it in a ponytail, or there’s no way you’re switching your camera on.
After a good sob in front of the mirror, several accusatory arguments and a good rant to your friends, you’re ready to stop sulking and move on. After all, your partner tried their best, and at least your split ends are gone. In fact, your hair does feel a lot healthier in general, even though you’ll be wearing a hat for the foreseeable future.
You take a forlorn selfie and share it to Instagram to show off your major hair change, but to your disappointing surprise, it doesn’t garner a reaction. In fact, no one even seems to notice.
Perhaps you overreacted and owe your partner an apology. Still, you’re quite certain you’ll never trust them to give you a home makeover ever again.