Firstly, let’s make it clear that what you’re about to read is a selection of activities I normally spread over a week, but, have crammed into one day here to look mighty. Feel free to be very, very impressed by me.

Laura Lexx

Laura Lexx

First things first, I wake up and seek tea. I love tea. I like it basic and hot... wink wink... just how I like my... you know... hob cookers in holiday accommodation. I make myself tea and breakfast. Not to brag, but actually, breakfast is something I achieve absolutely every day without fail. I love breakfast - sometimes I go to bed looking forward to breakfast. There isn’t a breakfast food I’m not interested in, except grapefruit - grapefruit is awful and if you think you like it please know it doesn’t make you seem more mature than the rest of us: it just makes you seem sad and lonely.

Then I spend an hour or so doing yoga. Please note; this is an out and out lie. I have only done yoga once and it made me very tense and uncomfortable. I actually see a personal trainer, which would have seemed braggy had I not hidden this news in the yoga debacle. Well done me. I’m learning how to bench press and dead lift and do pull ups (can’t do one yet but it’s only been 6 months so we’ll see).

“But Laura, you don’t look like you see a personal trainer, you’re all wobbly!”

I know reader, and I’m glad we’re close enough that you feel you can say that to me. I don’t diet, and we aren’t focusing on how to get me slim; we work on getting me strong. I think using exercise to aim for slim is miserable so now I punch, and heft and bulk eat peanuts.

Next, I head up to my allotment...

“But Laura, you don’t look 65...”

Are you saying I don’t look like I have a wealth of interesting life experience? How rude.

I’m thoroughly enjoying learning how to grow food and plants and sculpt a little patch of land. I have been trying, thus far unsuccessfully, to conceive a small human for 18 months, and have found an allotment to be the perfect place to take all my creativity and nurturing and turn it into a healthy bee population.

Once everything is potted, watered and revitalised I head home and get my face on for that night’s show. My prep to get in the right head space en route is usually screaming at people “UNLESS YOU’RE OVERTAKING YOU’VE NO NEED TO BE IN THAT LANE”. By the time I arrive at the gig, I’m in a very zen space.

I will then smash the living daylights out of the show. Audience members will name their kids after me, even ones already well into their teens.

When I get home, I hang out with my husband... we’re pretty heavily into games so we might play Magic the Gathering, Carcasonne, Tyrants of the Underdark or one of the billion games we have in the cabinet. When we’re done, I clean my teeth and head off to make love. Because I am an all rounder.

Laura Lexx @lauralexx Laura Lexx: Trying is at The Turret, Gilded Balloon Teviot 3 - 26 August (not 15) @ 17:15