Living the clown life is tough, rough and often enough. We’d love to settle down, find ourselves nice city jobs, selling shares to people who don’t know how. But if we did, we’d hold on to these little doozeys to keep us chuckling until we die.
We adore these. They are places where a thousand people have come to find the same thing funny. I love sticking my head in the wrong hole and shouting “look! I’m a mermaid! Look!” when I’m very much a scuba diver.
Children farting in bad theatre shows.
Often the highlight of the whole piece. A bad version of The Hobbit was lightened by a boy leaning over to raise one butt-cheek to let loose. Another boy farted and looked directly at their mother as if they’d thrown down the gauntlet to a farting duel. 5 stars.
Creaming up my brother
My brother is incredibly pale, and so at all moments for his safety, in winter and summer, I like to try and lather him with suncream. It doesn’t matter if it’s the middle of the night or a queue in Tescos, he’s got to be safe.
Pretending my willy is not my willy
Lying naked in bed on my back, pretending it’s not mine and going “ew, ew, there’s a willy on me, ew, get it off, ew”. This makes me laugh so much. I wish I could do it on stage, but I never can.
Sex Education Videos
When we were in secondary school, somehow sex education still consisted of watching old videos of moustache-transporter Robert Winston getting naked in softly-lit close ups whilst murmuring the biological symptoms of arousal. Luke fainted in one of these lessons.
Playing in public
I love running after a train once it’s leaving pretending I’ve just missed it. This works best on multi-train platforms, where once you miss the first one you can immediately start chasing the next that leaves. If you make a stranger laugh. Wow. World changing.
I once wrote a bad Robin Hood play with a pal, where the sheriff of Nottingham wanted to chop down Cher Wood Forest. Expensive wood. So good. We performed it once in Paris and never again. The following month they were accepted into RADA and they’ve not spoken to me since.
Parliament going ‘plastic free’
This is the epitome of the atomized society where everyone – even the government – is seen as an individual. You’re the fucking law makers, just ban it. See also: Government declaring a climate emergency and simultaneously OKing Heathrow Runway 3.
Pretending I don’t know who my mum is when I’m out with my mum
Loudly asking her to stop bothering me and that I’m just trying to do my shopping, while we’re going around a supermarket makes her cry laughing, despite her hating it, and so the game is sometimes extended for the whole trip. Looking back at these it seems that what I find mostly funny is bullying.
Flyering for our show about sperm
There is nothing funnier than watching an old lady enjoy becoming more and more shocked line by line as we explain a show about sex. They are so happy to be appalled.
Sell Out – Brighton Fringe 2019
Winner – Balkan/Otherplace Award Brighton 2019
Show Title: Privates: A Sperm Odyssey
Venue: Heroes @ Boteco
Dates: 1st – 25th August (except 10th and 14th)