by Katie Haseldine |
Right now, our timelines seem to be heavily featuring tweets about Brexit, Donald Trump and that senator whacking egg boy. We like egg boy, but it can be a refreshing change to read something that makes you laugh out loud.
So, after searching Twitter for the funniest female comedians and writers with consistently hilarious content, here are seven of the best, that you absolutely need to follow.
Evidence has been provided.
Emily Murnane
Every work email I send:
— Emily Murnane (@emily_murnane) October 19, 2018
Hey!
Sorry to bug you!
Was just wondering
(If it’s not too much trouble)
Would it be possible to do thing you said you’d do?
Totally fine if not!
Prob my fault anyway I’m an idiot :)
Sorry to bother you!
Sorry I exist!
So sorry!
Just let me know!
Emily
Nothing like curling up with a good book, reading a single paragraph 8-9 times bc you keep not really reading it, takin a quick break to take a photo of the book next to a mug of coffee for insta with the caption “Mood 📖☕️💗”, then calling it a day.
— Emily Murnane (@emily_murnane) March 9, 2019
Cant wait for Wednesday so I can stop asking ppl in the office what they did last weekend and start asking if they have any big plans for this weekend
— Emily Murnane (@emily_murnane) February 26, 2019
Sarah Hutto
CHECK OUT MY ORANGE HACK. (You’ve been eating oranges wrong this whole time.) pic.twitter.com/afe47LNM3e
— Sarah Hutto (@huttopian) March 16, 2019
This is just how he sees himself in his own mind. pic.twitter.com/TQW8exdysN
— Sarah Hutto (@huttopian) March 15, 2019
Oh. pic.twitter.com/cqCx87V4d9
— Sarah Hutto (@huttopian) March 13, 2019
Sarah Sweeney
thanks for friending me on facebook, please enjoy long stretches of zero content until something reasonably positive happens to me
— Sarah Sweeney (@heysarahsweeney) February 19, 2019
If you ever feel like you’re not good enough, remember there are people out there who think clipping their fingernails on a crowded subway is acceptable behavior. pic.twitter.com/SLbQ2fweEx
— Sarah Sweeney (@heysarahsweeney) March 14, 2019
can't confirm there's a direct correlation, but this is what I looked like when Obama was president, and this is me now. pic.twitter.com/KqZZCWCF33
— Sarah Sweeney (@heysarahsweeney) March 15, 2019
Julia Johns
I'm gonna be single for so long that someday when I'm old and married, someone will ask "What's the secret to a long-lasting relationship?" and I'll be like "I dunno I met this dude when I was 78"
— Julia Johns (@heyJuliaJohns) February 21, 2019
How come having a shoelace untied makes you feel like the biggest piece of shit loser
— Julia Johns (@heyJuliaJohns) March 6, 2019
Have you read that book?
— Julia Johns (@heyJuliaJohns) December 31, 2018
No
Oh, it’s great you should read it.
Have you seen that movie?
No
WHAT??!!!!! YOU IDIOT YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD!!!!!!!!
Christi Chiello
Ordering a cranberry juice is a surefire way to let everyone at this diner know I care about my urinary tract!!!
— christi chiello (@christichiello) March 17, 2019
Waiter: omg miss did you just throw your glass of water?
— christi chiello (@christichiello) March 9, 2019
Me: yes I’m so sorry I just remembered when I had short hair
IS IT REALLY THAT HARD 2 FIND A GUY WHO IS:
— christi chiello (@christichiello) May 31, 2018
-INTERESTED IN COMEDY BUT NOT OBSESSED
-NOT A COMEDIAN BUT IS VERY FUNNY (LIKE COULD BE ONE)
-IDEALLY HAS A DEAD MOM BUT I CAN BE FLEX WITH THIS ONE
-TALL !!!!!!!
Kenice Mobley
I miss when there were lots of reasons why someone didn’t respond to you. 3000 years ago you could be like, “well, maybe the gods turned them into a tree?”
— Kenice Mobley (@kenicemobley) February 24, 2019
Two thoughts, simultaneously held;
— Kenice Mobley (@kenicemobley) February 23, 2019
1) *drops change, trips, exists*
Brain: You stupid bitch, this is why you’re never going to reach your goals
2) *completes any task, puts together something decent, also exists*
Brain: I honestly don’t know why everyone isn’t in love with me
It’s the subway, where ISN’T the shit smell coming from?
— Kenice Mobley (@kenicemobley) March 11, 2019
Sara Wren
TATTOO ARTIST: This tattoo won't age well soon.
— Sara Wren (@sarawrencomedy) March 12, 2019
ME: Excuse me!? I'm 27 not 72 and I'm not gonna care whether or not my tattoo looks okay then.
TATTOO ARTIST: No...I mean you're asking for a tattoo of Michael Jackson.
[on a date]
— Sara Wren (@sarawrencomedy) February 25, 2019
Me: So where are you from?
Him: New Jersey.
Me: *puts on a ring* I'm actually married.
ME: *sees new season of Jeopardy is on Netflix* Siri, clear my schedule!
— Sara Wren (@sarawrencomedy) January 20, 2019
SIRI: you have no events.
ME: Perfect.
by Katie Haseldine for www.femalefirst.co.uk
Tagged in Twitter