As a female, I was led to believe that a blooming pregnancy is a beautiful time. It may well be for the lucky ones- but I gotta tell you- if you’re one of the less fortunate women- like me- the first three months are HARD work. Here’s why:

You will cry at ANYTHING

You will cry at ANYTHING

You don’t trust the stick- No matter how many sticks you pee on- they are all liars- you don’t believe a line they say. Then you have to go out and get the most expensive stick there is that tells you in words that you are in fact… knocked up.

You will probably feel like you’ve been hit by a bus every day- Even if you get a 10-hour sleep at night- and naps in between- you will wake up feeling like the number 12 has just run over you…then reversed over your body. You know- for good measure.

Morning sickness is a tricky beast- It doesn’t just come in the morning- no- you can get waves of sickness morning, noon or night. You can feel fine one moment and be well acquainted with the toilet, the side of the road or the trash can the next.

You will feel bloated in the early stages- Just before you start to show- you just look like you have a really bad case of wind or you’ve eaten too much. But alas, a good fart or a massive dump is going to do nada.

You will get cravings for things that you could take or leave before- A jar of pickles, sexy! A whole tin of cold tomatoes- mmmmmm! Marmite on anything- de-lish!

You won’t be able to think of ANYTHING other than the worst case scenario- Your mind is like a video on repeat; vaginal tearing, huge stretch marks, push pooping. Vaginal tearing, huge stretch marks, push pooping- you get the idea…

You will likely cry at ANYTHING- When it rains, sweet adverts or when the postman brings you nothing. You know- the really tragic stuff.

You can’t tell anyone- Well you can- but it’s not advised till your first scan. So, you have to keep this MASSIVE secret for three months when all you want to do is breathe out and eat for two in the company of others without question.

You will likely need to pee all the time- In the middle of the night- half way through a movie at the cinema- as soon as you get in the car- the baby may be small but it’s still playing trampoline with your bladder.

Your skin might change- Some lucky mothers-to-be are blessed with a rosy glow- but for the ones that drew the short straw- their skin goes dry and cracked. In short you might look like a crusty mess and have to endure something I like to call ‘face dandruff’. All hail the moisturiser.

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