how-do-you-know
Amy Grace
If the hunt for Mr Right is leaving you feeling despondent because you've let some guy break your heart again, or you're inundated with offers and seem to be a serial 'He's really the one' kind of girl (you know, who is thinking about her new surname before the end of the first date), here's how to go about making sure you don't waste valuable dating time.
Just like Reese Witherspoon in <How Do You Know>, who struggles to detect which man is right for her, how do you know when you've found the one? And if you don't seem to be able to find any contenders for this important missing link, how can you go about finding them?
Charlotte Murray, 33, from London, says: "I couldn't be more proactive about dating, I'm sociable and – without sounding big-headed – I'm attractive and I have a good salary. I regularly meet up with guys either from the industry I work in (banking) or through my interests, DJs and musicians, but they're either dull or just don't want the ties of a relationship or marriage. I just don't know what I can do or where I can go to improve my chances of meeting The One. I wasn't bothered in my 20s, I was happy dating on and off, but now I admit I do want to meet someone who's interested in having children and settling down. I never thought of myself of being desperate but I can see it's starting to get to me now."
Relationship expert Michael Myerscough runs The Relationship Gym and claims to have the answer for anyone desperately seeking or just unsure if the person they’re with is right for them. Using a series of techniques, he helps you to find out what your emotional needs are and how to find the best partner who will meet them all.
He explained to Jennifer Kyte, who attended his recent Relationship Gym workshop, that to start working out what we need, we all need to admit that we’re needy people in one way or another. “Whether we like to admit it or not we’re all a touch needier than we care to admit,” he explains. “It’s become clear to me that figuring out a way of getting our needs met is essential if we ever intend to find our love for life.”
According to Michael, the first step in establishing how to find the one requires you to work out what you need from a relationship. “If your key needs are not being met,” he explains, “You will never have a stable or truly fulfilling relationship.”
So, what do you need to do?
Identify your ‘red flags’ – i.e the traits of a partner you need to avoid at all costs.
Write down a list of the last five partners you had and divide each person into two columns. Then simply list about 10 negatives for each ex-partner, whether it’s weakness or lack-of-motivation, then do the same for all their good points.
Once you’ve finished for each partner, highlight the three major points from each category for each man.
You then need to draw a circle – inside that circle write all the major good points from each relationship and outside the circle write all the bad ones.
Next step?
Michael explains that at this point you will have probably found some repeat offenders – perhaps 'unfaithful' or 'dull' have come up more than once for each man? If that’s the case you’re not alone. Many people will break up with someone, and for one reason or another, will look for similar traits in their next partner that they saw in their ex. And because of this the new relationship tends to break down as well.
By doing this exercise you’ll see just what those similar characteristics you keep going back to are and you'll also discover the key essential qualities you need from a partner from listing all the good points from your past relationships.
Tonia Ashworth, 29, says: "I've tried this method and did find that by writing down all of the things that failed in various relationships, I had a sort of Ten Commandments of things to avoid in future boyfriends."
Louise James, 34, says: "I think it's useful to do something like this but ultimately, if someone is The One, surely there should be something about how you feel about them and how they treat you that gives you pretty clear signals? If you have to stop and think about it, I'm not sure it's right. I was a serial dater for five years after an early divorce and one day, I started a new job and just stumbled on this guy who I thought had a lovely smile, voice and arms! It turned out, after about four months of coy eye-contact and smiles, that the feeling was mutual – but it took a bit of patience and making sure there was eventually an opportunity or excuse to get together for a chat, at an office fireworks party. I think half of it is just have self-awareness and being ready to read people's signals. I do believe they are there. We got married six months later and, two years later, we started a family."
This simple exercise if just one thing you can do in an attempt to find Mr Right and help you to fall in love with the person who’s right for you rather than falling into the same trap over and over again.
How Do You Know? is out on now Blu-ray and DVD.