We chat to Irma Kurtz about her role as Cosmopolitan's agony aunt for the last 35 years!
Irma Kurtz
Please can you tell us a bit about your role at Cosmopolitan magazine?
'When Cosmopolitan began in 1973 they asked me to be their agony aunt. I said I would only do it if they called me an agony aunt and called it an agony column. I didn't want to be called an advisor or anything grand. It took off, I thought I would do it for a year or so because I was a new mum and I had to earn some money. My son is very nearly forty now. Eventually I was asked to do it for virtually every new branch of Cosmo that opened around the world, just long enough for them to get someone of their own, so I could set the pace. So I have done agony aunting for South Africa, Japan, Canada and New York!'
When did you first realize that you were a good listener and someone who could provide sound advice for people?
'I knew by the time I was a teenager that I was one of those people that other people confided in. I think that is because I frequently used to be on my own, much more than girls were at that time or these days. I might have been sat at a counter and I seemed to court confessional conversations form a very early age. I think it was because I was genuinely interested and I do see people as individuals and not as a mass of same faced creatures.'
What is your process when you receive a problem from a reader?
'I try to put myself in her skin; that is why it is a little harder when they are blokes! But you can use your imagination! In the old days I received a letter. It sometimes even had a perfume, it had a colour of ink, it had underlined words and a chosen stationary. I actually felt a contact with the person. I became an amateur graphologist; I could read a lot of different handwriting after I had read a million letters! My son gave me an electric letter opener for Christmas for them all. For a moment I would put myself in the person's skin. That is harder to do now with emails, but fortunately, I have so many year's experience that the problems are becoming more familiar if not the individual.'
You must get a lot of readers writing in, so how do you decide who makes it into the magazine?
'Part of it is editorial, I have limited space and journalism is also an entertainment industry so I wouldn't use two problems that were the same. I have to balance the page. I use the letters that strike a chord with me and those that I know will strike a chord with my readers.'
After travelling around Europe, you settled in London and became part of the team behind Nova magazine, so please can you tell us a bit about this experience?
'That was wonderful! Nova magazine was for both genders; everyone read it and it was beautifully laid out. It was original and it had a great editor. I used to write so much for them because we were a small team; there were only about six of us. We produced the whole magazine and I used to use a different name; Louise Short, my middle name is Louise and my last name translates into 'short'. I learned so much working on that liberal and open minded magazine!'
What prompted you to move over to Cosmopolitan magazine?
'Nova was ahead of its time and it wasn't appreciated by the people who produced it; it was by the people who read it- so it closed up. I was a freelance journalist so I worked for everybody! I was in Vietnam in 1970 for a few weeks, writing for Rolling Stone. Then I decided that I was one of those women who had to have a child! My son's father (an artist) and I produced my son and I had to make a living; a regular sit down desk job; I couldn't go cavorting around the world anymore! That was when Cosmo began in London and they asked me if I would do the column and I thought I would do it for a year! Then it just took off and it got under my skin too!'
What is the most common problem that people write in to you about?
'The common problem is not what they write to me about. The underlying problem has remained pretty much the same and the greatest one is a lack of self-confidence. That really is the major problem and it's not becoming less. A lack of finding and discovering one's self and having the confidence to go out and do it.'
Do you have any words of wisdom for other agony aunts out there?
'I wouldn't dream of it! Agony aunts are changing; it was much more formal routine and we were not celebrities and we were not sex experts or psychologists. We were the strangers on the train! I like to travel alone, when I sit in a seat a women will sit next to and try to talk to me- we are the old while witch at the bottom of the road! There are fewer of us in print but there are still plenty of us around on the train!'
You are well travelled and have had lots of different experiences in your life, so to what extent do you think that this is an important part of your role?
'Of course experience helps, travelling and meeting people and keeping your eyes open; it helps with everything. However it isn't the basis of good advice. Good advice comes from listening to the individual who is talking to you.'
In terms of confidence; do you believe that is something you have and pass onto your readers?
'My confidence comes from curiosity and I'm very much a loner. Everyone has to find their own confidence. It isn't easy to pass onto someone else. You can help instill it in your children or in younger people by paying attention to them and watching what they are doing and being on their side. I think you can make confidence in your children by treating them as discoveries and not inventions but I don't think that confidence is something you can communicate to others. You feel it in your own way. What you do is listen to the other and where her confidence lies. We don't always take confidence from the same place. Some people take it much more from the way they look for instance- too much perhaps!'
What is your opinion of self-help books?
'I am not sure I believe in self helps books. I think the only person who can help you is yourself. That is someone you find. I do think that there are books that help you find yourself, but they are probably going to have nothing to do with self-help. It may very well be a classic book in literature. I remember reading a book about Paris and knowing that I had to go there. I think that self-help comes from curiosity and exploration. I am a little worried when people lay down the law on how you should help yourself. How to books on raising children- they always remind me of manuals for washing machines! That is not the way we are.'
How important do you think that agony aunt columns are to readers of magazines in general?
'I think they are, (I would say that I guess!) but I think they are because they make people think about themselves. I have seen people on the underground before and I can see them reading my agony aunt column online or even in the magazine occasionally! You can see them thinking about what they would tell the girl or what they would do if they were in that spot. That is very good to do! It stretches the imagination and it's just about the only real people you can find in journalism now because we are not celebrities- we are people who write agony columns!'
Why do you think that people are willing to ask for the advice of a stranger from a magazine rather than their friends or family?
'Well often it's because they are having trouble with friends and family. Sometimes it's because they are embarrassed- it's something that they don't want to tell friends or family because they are afraid of a friend's opinion. Women are very opinionated- we give our opinions to our friends- 'that man is no good', 'that dress does suit you'- it's part of friendship. But it's not something they need- sometimes talking to a sympathetic stranger is the best thing. I am getting longer emails I have noticed- people say that they understand their situation much more once they have written it down. That happens a lot- you get a hold on the problem and the agony aunt can't interrupt you as your friends and your family will do! Friends are very opinionated but they are terrific- what would we don without them? But friends come into agony quite a bit!'
What is next for you?
'Well my sons wife has had triplets so need I ask what's next for me? A lot of babysitting! I wrote fiction when I was a kid- so I might try that again! What is next for me is the next message that comes through from the next person.'
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