‘What is love?’ seems to be the burning question

14 December 2012

What is love?

‘What is love?’ was the most popular ‘what is’ search on phrase on Google in 2012. Topping iCloud, 3G and Scientology, which are perhaps more understandable as search queries, it seems that we still don’t seem to have any real sense of what love actually is.

While clearly love is different for all of us, which is perhaps why it makes it such a fascinating question, I am not sure what those internet searchers were hoping for as an answer. Scientists will define love as a neurological ‘condition’ like hunger or thirst, driven by a whole raft of chemicals like pheromones, serotonin and oxytocin. And yet lust is also driven by a chemical reaction of adrenaline, testosterone and oestrogen. Given that most of us can’t tell the difference between these hormones – nor really care to – the whole love/lust issue remains as confusing as ever.

For those of you who might have recently met a new partner or are confused as to whether you’re in love or lust – which is far more interesting that any philosophical musings on the question, this might help.

Love or lust?

So how can you tell when the initial desire, the can’t wait to get his kit off lust, is turning into love? On average, we fall in love only three or four times in our lives, and given that we date earlier and settle down later, there’s an awful lot of relationships that simply aren’t going to go in the love direction.

It’s easy to confuse the two. Women, especially, often believe they are in love when really it’s a heady mixture of lust, meeting someone who feels right at the right time and falling for someone who subconsciously reminds you of someone that you loved once before.

Love is blissfully different for every one of us, but these are some signs that you can identify when checking on whether it’s a fling or the real thing.

Love

- You are in harmony emotionally and mentally as well as sexually.

- Love is a warm, fuzzy and reassuring feeling – and gives you a sense of confidence and well being.

- You would stand by him in a crisis and make whatever sacrifices are necessary, no matter what the problem.

- You would miss your friendship as much as the sex if you were to be apart.

Lust

- The best thing about your relationship is the fabulous sex.

- He is absolutely gorgeous looking – all your friends tell you so – but your lifestyle is very different and common interests are thin on the ground.

- Lust is a wild, unpredictable feeling, driven by sexual desire but doesn’t necessarily make you feel secure or reassured.

- You are not entirely sure that he is 100% faithful or that he is always telling you the whole truth.

It is often women who question this, much more then men, who tend just to get on with it – without fretting over whether it’s love or lust that keeps them coming back to you. And indeed while lust often morphs into love with us barely noticing the journey, it can also burn out as quickly as it arrived. My advice would be that if it makes you feel good, harness all those chemical reactions – whatever they maybe – and just enjoy!