What are your words of comfort?
AXA have found the top little things to say and not to say when your partner is in a crisis and we talk to language expert Susie Dent about the affects our words can have on our loved ones.
Why are humour and philosophy as opposed to tough love more appropriate for a loved one?
However much we instinctively hope that our friend, relative, or partner will get over their distress, telling them to 'pull themselves together', or to keep their 'chin up', can often sound cold and flat, even aggressive. Empathy comes across much better when we share a smile, or give a far gentler reminder that we are there.
Why is ‘one day we will laugh at this’ the favourite phrase to use to reassure your partner?
More than any other I think this phrase gives a sense of warmth, companionship, and humour. The use of 'we' is all-important too - it's a subtle reminder that we're not going anywhere and are here to help.
Why is using the phrase ‘get a grip’ the worst thing you can say to your partner?
Telling someone to 'get a grip' suggests they are out of control or being weak, neither of which is helpful in a distressing situation. The AXA survey shows that women are particularly sensitive to this form of tough love, and yet one in ten men admit to using it, and just under a quarter of men responded that they use 'pull yourself together' regularly too.
Even though many use the phrase ‘I don’t know what to say’ why is it not comforting to very many people?
This is a completely understandable, knee-jerk reaction to news that is shocking or distressing. It is an honest answer, and because of that it won't really offend anyone. However, it may not really help either, simply because it suggests powerlessness just at the moment when we need to show strength and wisdom. If we take just a few seconds before speaking we can come up with something that shows we can help simply by being there.
Why are women more prone to finding comfort from these utterances than men?
The survey suggests quite strongly that women are more sensitive to the words of others in times of distress. How their loved ones react verbally, as well as physically, clearly has a great impact on them. Perhaps this is simply down to the fact that society deems it acceptable for women to reach out to others, whereas men are expected to be more robust in difficult times. The female brain seems to analyse and respond to verbal cues of comfort to a far greater extent.
How can simply giving someone a few words of reassurance be more effective than a big gesture?
Big gestures can be a wonderful distraction, but words are often remembered for far longer, and repeatedly looked back on when reassurance is needed. A friend who offers very personal words of comfort can give a far more enduring boost than a bunch of flowers.
Why is the phrase ‘I know how you feel’ often unsuccessful?
I think this doesn't work simply because it suggests that the person saying it does know how we feel, which of course isn't always the case. In fact, we may think to ourselves 'actually, you really don't', which takes away any comfort that was intended. Working with AXA has shown me how even a small change in the way we try to reassure can make a huge difference - 'I feel for you', using personal pronouns that emphasise companionship, was rated as being far more effective in easing emotional pain.