Rylan Clark "didn't think [he] could continue" to live after his marriage broke down.
The 33-year-old star split from husband Dan Neal - who he married in 2015 - last year and took a four-month break from the spotlight after things got "very bad" and he reached a point where he never thought he would "come back".
Rylan - whose real first name is Ross - said: “I’d got to the point where I didn’t know if I wanted to come back. Or whether I would be able to do this job again. I’d got… quite ill.
“I went down to just over 9st and I’m 6ft 4in. It got bad. Like, very bad. And I didn’t think it would get better. I needed help...
“Everyone feels like I’m their mate. I was probably talking to five million people a night. But last summer for the first time, I literally felt alone.
"I’ve always been strong. I’ve always taken a lot of s***. And this is where Rylan and Ross come into play. Because when it’s Rylan I’m a brick wall. You can take the p***out of my teeth, call me a ****, and I’ll just go, that’s fine. This is what I get paid for. But when it’s Ross, I don’t deal with that well. And when you find out something you always wanted isn’t what you thought it was…
"I didn’t think I’d be here. I didn’t think I could continue."
Asked if he meant to work or to live, he replied: "Both. I didn’t think I’d actually come back. I was very… gone.”
The former 'This Morning' host admitted he went into hospital "for safety reasons" because he no longer "knew" himself.
He told Observer magazine: “I’m the last person that my friends would ever believe could feel as low as I did. Superficially, on paper, I can look after myself, but actually in that moment and for months after, none of the money or the fame mattered. I did not know myself at certain points. I was having thoughts and doing things that made me… f***** up, for want of a better word. I didn’t understand why I was doing that to myself. So, I went away for a bit.”
Rylan has vowed to take more control over his life and not let it be overshadowed by fame.
He said: [I learnt] I always say yes to everything and I nod and smile. But now if there’s something I really don’t want to do, I’m going to say no. I’ve learned to be more in control. I’ve not had control for so long, I feel like Britney!
“Because my life was really my job. I feel like I lost a lot of me. I’ve learned that fame is something that I wanted, but not necessarily the thing I want still. And don’t get me wrong, it’s always lovely meeting people and being treated certain ways. But sometimes it’s important to stand in the queue. Sometimes you want to just fuck off over the garden centre to buy a plant.
“Strange situations do very strange things to people. If it wasn’t for my mum, and my family and close friends I genuinely have no idea if I’d be here.
“I learned I’m worth something. That I should be proud of myself, not embarrassed of Rylan. I should be proud that I can build my mum a house. I should be proud that I can employ my family. I learned that.”
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